We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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