I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
