What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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