While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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