fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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