I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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