I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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