When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
