Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
