Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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