When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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