My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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