The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
