Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
