and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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