I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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