we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Are my feet made of real feet?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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