I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
