so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
