I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
