Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
