haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
