Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
