get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
