i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
