I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
