i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
