Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
