just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
