I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i came on her dog
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
