He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
