apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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