I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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