just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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