I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
