Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
