He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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