That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
