Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
