So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
