did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
