I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
