Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
