I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
