Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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