My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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