I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
