i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
