Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
