So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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