I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
