Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
