If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
