You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
